Anyway, enough of the bullshit. I threw an idea out yesterday on Facebook that people would message me topics and I’d put out a 1 page short story on whatever topic they presented to me. I thought it was a good idea, and it’s actually much harder than I thought. I felt like the first one was pretty shitty, but hey, it’s probably the first short story I’ve written as an adult, so give me a break. But either way, I probably need to spend more time reading novels and short stories just to see how they are constructed and developed. Learn my craft kinda thing, u kno? But we’ll see if I can push the rest of these stories out before the end of the weekend. Oh yea! speaking of weekend, its about to go down tomorrow at the BBQ. I was really looking forward to smoking today, all week actually I’ve been waiting on this, but it kinda fell through at the last minute. I really need to just do my own thing cuz people really be lettin you down when you get your hopes up for some shit. It’s actually comical how it happens, when I dont give a damn, ppl show up…when I’m waiting all of a sudden hitches appear out of every damned pocket and pencil case. Hi-fucking-larious.

In other news…there really isn’t any other news. I need a way to blog on the run. I can’t heave this damned laptop everywhere with me so that I can record interesting and thought provoking shit I see throughout the day. I guess I could carry a small notepad and jot shit down that happens and then pull out the pad later while I’m at the cpu and do what I gotta do. That actually sounds like a plan. I’d be like a fuckin gumshoe and shit comin in the house with a notepad half filled with intel. Interesting. I think I’ll implement it….

But…

I’ve been recently single…a couple months or so….and I think I’m starting to see the benefit to it. It’s a little hard to peg, but I’m going to try anyway.

For the most part, in a relationship your concerns are at least partly for the other person. When they’re up, you are up; when they’re down, you are usually down. You celebrate and mourn with them, you have someone to talk to and go out to the movies on Friday nights with, all that good, sweet shit. But your decisions are never your own, they always have to consider another person, which is a bit of a hindrance, especially in college. What happens to us after graduation? Where will I work? How serious is this relatonship? Does it merit me making the sacrifice of being closer to you? What if closer to you is farther away from my family? What are the job opportunities like there? All those tough questions. So that’s one facet.

The other thing is, and this is quite a bit more personal, I started to value my life based on who I kept around. Not as if I were worthless without a girlfriend, but sort of like I needed someone to care for…a human being that is (considering I have two dogs). Either way, this is the part that’s tough to peg, and it might be easier to put a finger on it if I explain how I feel differently now that I’m “ok” with being single. The biggest change is, that emotionally, I’ve learned not to care too much whether a woman is close to me or not. True enough I still get lonely, and sex is…rare…to say the least, we all miss those things. But in a way, I’ve become more picky. I’ll look at a nice young woman, say to myself, “that’s someone I could see myself dating” but I don’t…I wait. Maybe it goes somewhere or maybe it doesn’t, but in that in-between time, I see red flags that turn me off to the possibility of a relationship even remotely working. And it isn’t always her personality. Sometimes it’s my freedom. The ability to make the decision to move closer to my family without having to worry about that subtle expectation of closeness, or is it rather an apprehension to long distance, who the hell knows? Over and above all of that though, I find that it’s ok for me to be by myself…and being by myself has made it easier to see the type of woman who “might” compel me to get back into a relationship. Very interesting epiphany for me, because the problem with being a serial monagomous is that your standards tend to droop because the goal is not to find a good girlfriend, or a compatible girlfriend, it’s just to find a girlfriend…some accessory to your need for companionship and to fend off loneliness.

So, to all my friends who couldn’t help me figure out why it was I needed to be single…I found the answer for you. So now you can use it next time I decide to get into a stupid relationship.

That dude that wears the same dark wool blazer with everything.

Unkempt beard and a forgotten hairline

walking with a journal and a book of poems under his arm.

I wanna be weird.

But not that Lady Gaga “look at me” type weird,

but that “ignore me” weird,

That outta sight, outta mind weird

where i emerge and fade back into the scenery.

emerge and fade

emerge and fade

hundreds of times a day.

I wanna be that dude that frequents the same coffee shop every morning

and the waitress asks me if i want “the regular”

and Ill pay in exact change

and leave 4 crumbled dollar bills in the march of dimes donation box.

I wanna be that dude that walks with his face to the sun in daytime

and sits on his window sill watching the traffic below at night.

I wanna be the type of man that smiles at strangers,

an ugly, toothy grin…

but a smile.

I wanna have long, random conversations with beautiful women

and know that they enjoy me for what I feel and not how i look.

I wanna sing songs two octaves too high,

and sit in the backseat of a car going 75 on the freeway with all the windows down,

puttin my face to a fierce rush of wind that makes you feel like you can’t breath,

until you finally turn away.

I wanna drink alot of water,

and a lot of gin.

And smoke cigarettes

and quit when I have kids because I Love them,

obviously more than I Love myself.

I wanna write, because thats as close to me as I’m ever gonna get

and as close to truth as Im ever gon understand.

I wanna sit lonely on bus benches and miss all my connections

jus riding.

Talk to the driver about his kids and how he wanted

more than anything

to own a chain of grocery stores as a kid

but he drives buses now

because his high school sweetheart got pregnant and now

his life is about his Love for his kids and wife

and not his ambition.

I wanna be still

and know.

…to be continued…always…

huh…I done started and ended two or three blog since this one, for various reasons. But here I am, again. Consistent I ain’t..lol. Either way, I thought about becoming a writer today. Seems simple enough. Spend my days tryina sort through this thing we call life, this labyrinth. Maybe get paid a few sheckels for it, maybe not. But in the very least I’ll get to spend my life talking and figuring through this Love thing. Tryina find out what it means to me and how that meaning is made manifest in my own life and the lives of those I come in contact with everyday. I could live like that. Idk tho. I dont know where I’d start in tryina become a writer. I’m sure like everything else you gotta be tenacious. Fight for that dream. Just seems kinda foolish, you know. To fight for a dream, you can’t just live them anymore. Writing is a low overhead profession..haha. You just need a pen and some paper. A working laptop if you got it like that, and enough places offer free wifi that you can put out your product at a corner mcdonalds if the situtation calls for it. huh. But yea…where to start? I really don’t know. Compile some old work maybe, show it to some folks. Maybe get some pointers on what my options are with this. Who knows. i might become the voice of a generation. hahaha..imagine that, right. The next James Baldwin or Richard Wright or some shit. Lol…nah, maybe not that big. Jus me big. Big enough to fill me up. Thats all I’m really looking for in this life. Something I can be proud of. Maybe proud is a bad word to use for that. Something I can understand, how’s that? Better? I think so. Anyway, my mind is kinda cluttered right now, just thinking about this writing thing. I mean, even if I lay down tonight and wake up feeling like this is some pipe dream I ain’t never gon pursue, its giving me some solace right now. And thats cool. I can rest a few hours in that. Gotta learn to embrace those small moments. Those seconds we’d only put in slow motion after they’ve already passed and all we got is that silhouette of happiness. Just clear enough to make out that it was there once and we can chase it, but fuzzy enough to wonder if we’ll ever really be able to grab it. Funny how that goes huh? Reminds me of Jazmine Sullivan, “why do we Love Love when Love seems to hate us?” Deep shit right there. Anyway, I’ma give this a rest for now. I need to reconditon my soul to write again, I’m emotionally out of shape. {Selah}

…to be completely honest. I didn’t know just how liberating it would feel until his faced flashed across the screen with the words “Barack Obama ELECTED President” beneath it.

There were no words.

There were no actions.

A few text messages.

A couple calls.

My entire body tingled. I walked outside and it felt as if the world had expanded in an instant. I felt that it was actually larger than it was 3 hours earlier. However, the growth was proportionate to the immediate increase in me. My confidence, my stature, my walk and my speech. All around me, people were….

Screaming
Clapping
Crying
Rejoicing
Uplifting
Combining
Supporting
Agreeing
Communing

…Together.

This single event has unified the black race more than anything I have ever seen or WILL EVER see again in my lifetime. An event of epic proportions. The day, November 4, 2008 will FOREVER reverberate in history as the day that all of the oppressed threw off their shackles, stood up tall, looked the majority in the eye and demanded their undivided attention.

It IS about race.

I am so sorry for those of you who wanted it to be about policy. I apologize if you thought it was going to be about the issues. Your money will come and your money will go. The economy works in cycles, always has and always will. The compromises on immigration, the war in Iraq, Roe v Wade or whatever the contention may be will all come in time. But the issue of racial equality has stained this great nation since the day its Declaration of Independence from Britain was drafted and the oppressed have merely survived under the thumb of the majority financially, psychologically, mentally and socially until RIGHT NOW!

I apologize if you are too blind to see it.
I apologize if you cannot understand it.
I apologize if you are frustrated by it.
I apologize if you are too immature to accept it.
I apologize if you read all of this defensively.
I apologize if you are too stubborn to swallow your pride.
I apologize if you think I’m wrong.

However, it is high time that people of color in this nation be infused with an unruly, unapologetic, uncompromising, unwavering, overconfident measure of hope that will give us confidence that the sky is, in all actuality, the limit. That my parents weren’t telling me fairy tales when they said I could be WHATEVER I want to be when I grow up. That way, never again will I have to walked shamefaced into a room because I have learned to FEEL looks of condescension and superiority. That way I can sit BOLDLY at the table occupied historically by the majority without insecurity or fear. That I can work just as hard as the next man and not be considered naturally inferior in intellect and reason.

TODAY, WE ARE EQUAL! IT IS OFFICIAL. Up until now we all wondered how high the glass ceiling was set for us. We groaned and ached with the passion for advancement but stood stock-still paralyzed by the likelihood of a systemic hindrance. Brothers and sisters, it is no more. The ceiling has been broken and we can now HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELF EVIDENT, THAT ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL!

For those who have won: Be proud. Fear no one. Yell at the top of your lungs and never let the air run out. Don’t let anybody tell you to be quiet to calm down to stop acting, playing, celebrating, rejoicing, jumping, clapping, dancing or skipping. This is the greatest single event of your lifetime. Embrace it unapologetically. Without fear or remorse. We have paid the price in much more than blood, sweat or tears. We have paid with our livelihoods. We have paid with our achievements and our successes, our failures and shortcomings. We have paid with those sleepless nights and joyless mornings. We have paid in bail money and student loans. We have paid in empty stomachs and unbalanced budgets. We have paid with single-parent homes and hand-me-down clothing. We have paid when our balance was negative. We have paid when we had nothing left to give. We have “forced our heart and nerve and sinew to serve their turn LONG after they are gone and so held on when there was nothing in us but the will which said to them, “HOLD ON!” We have laid ALL on the line for this day. We DESERVE this victory.

For those who have lost: Understand. If you cannot, try harder. Ask for insight. Make a new friend of color and allow him/her to tell you their story. Believe that it is fully true. Some moments in history are bigger than you. They are bigger than me. They are bigger than us and bigger than U.S. You have awakened the confidence and work ethic of an army of millions who were previously crippled by hundreds of years of programmed subordination. We can only go forward from here. We have had every reason in this long history to overthrow the established order, ransack for our due, pillage for our freedom and return the favor of oppression in order to enhance our own liberty. But we have not. We have waited patiently for over 200 years since the nations establishment and over 400 from the day we first set foot on American soil. We have turned the other cheek time and time again. Respect the victor, it is well deserved and as Americans, your beloved democracy has spoken. A VAST majority of all races, colors, creeds and ethnicities have chosen THIS man to lead them. You do not have to agree, but I will humbly request you to respect. A unified head is better than a factious one. Put down your pride and pick up your nation.

We are no longer the United States in title only.

{Selah}

The personification of a solitary tree can be a figurative representation of, and is inextricably linked to, the average individual.

The personifcation of the forest is also highly correlated with, and related to, the aims and dynamics of the genuine community.

=====================================================
Digression:

The aim of this series of notes is not to be a sermon. I will use a lot of personal examples because myself is all that I know authoritatively. I cannot speak for all of you; however, what I can hope is that my experience resonates with yours and you will be able to see your own struggle for growth within mine. I will use several references to the Body of Christ and my love for community because that truth is what is authoritative for my life. My hope is that you will read regardless of what you believe, whether or not you endorse or support my faith. I do not believe anything that I am going to say in this series is revolutionary or novel. These are truths that are fairly time-tested and consistent; however, that does not mean they should not be pointed out. To me, the sheer abundance of tree-life is a reminder by God that we must all strive for continual and progressive growth.

“Most men don’t need to be taught, they need to be reminded.” -Clive Staples (C.S.) Lewis

So please don’t expect anything earth shattering, but strive to understand the amazing simplicity of this facet of nature.
=====================================================

I want to change..

Forever

…the way you look at trees.

For the past few years, whenever I see a particularly unique type of tree, I stop. I stare at it for a few minutes, turning over and over in my mind its processes and purpose. I want you to see what I see; match the conviction with which I see it; endorse it; claim it and live it.

.:Observation 1:.

.:As tall as a tree is above the ground, its roots stretch just as deep, if not deeper:.

When you picture a tree, what do you see?

You see the trunk, branches, branches shooting off of those branches, and on the very tips of the very last branches, you see fruits and leaves. But how many of us ever think of what is below the surface. Imagine that the earth’s crust was made of pure, freshly windexed glass. Imagine that as far as you could see above the surface of the earth, you could see the same distance below it. What you would see is that no matter how tall a tree is, its roots extend at least that far into the ground, allowing it to tap into the richest and most abundant resources that the earth has to offer so that it can maintain its stature and even continue to grow. The smaller the tree, the more difficult it is for it to obtain the nutrients it needs, save in regions where there is consistent rain, because there is so much plant-life vying for the nutrients JUST below the earth’s surface that it becomes a first come, first serve system. Those plants quick enough and strong enough to obtain the nutrients once they become available will live, all others, die. However, assuming that a particular tree is given the opportunity to live past this phase and push its roots farther into the soil, nutrients become abundant at the deeper levels.

It’s kind of like post-sceondary education…

The pool of high school students is enourmous, and thus, resources provided by the state (in the case of public schools) cannot provide ideal education for every student unless the state chooses to contirbute a ridiculous amount of its budget to education. However, at the undergraduate level, a significant number of students are left behind with only a high school diploma, for whatever reason. Some want to work, didn’t get accepted into college, can’t afford it, etc. But the bottom line is, the pool has been decreased therefore allowing for state-sponsored benefits to be shared among a smaller population of students, thus increasing everybody’s share.

Now consider the Masters and Ph.D. levels.

So few students choose to pursue a post-baccalaureate education that the resources available at that level are allotted liberally to all who choose to pursue education at this level. Consider that at the doctorate level, the school actually PAYS YOU to go to school. The potential is so great and the benefits so ripe that doctoral students get their tuition and fees paid for by the institution, and considering the type of program that you are in, you recieve a living stipend anywhere from $15,000-$40,000 per year, NOT counting any scholarships that you could recieve that are awarded specifcially to doctoral students.

Therefore, for trees, the deeper the roots stretch, the more abundant the nutrients, allowing for extremely healthy, rapid and almost limitless growth potential.

The tree is you.

Everyone has aspirations to become something in this life, whether it be an astronaut, professional athlete, professor, budget analyst, talk show host, coach, consultant, fashion designer, computer programmer, pastor, bishop, entrepreneur, CEO, CFO, COO, president of the U.S., Senator or Chairman of the Federal Reserve. But we all must realize that if you intend to go far, you must thrust your roots deeply into the soil.

Your personal growth is utterly dependent on how tenaciously you prepare for your future.

“Education is the passport to the future, for tomorrow belong to those who prepare for it today.”
-Malcolm X

If you want to play in the NBA, it would behoove you to ensure that you understand the game of basketball better than anybody who currently plays it, amateur or pro.

If you want to be the CFO or Microsoft, you best make sure that you read every finance book you get your hands on in order to be the most compentent and knowledgeable financial analyst in the nation, if not the world.

If you want to be a fashion designer, know your history. You should be able to identify every major era of fashion, what dominated, what has repeated and what is likely to repeat. This way you can be a step ahead of every designer in the industry and make a reputation for yourself as a perpetual dynamo in the craft.

If you want to build community and positively affect the lives of individuals and families, dive head first into a relationship with Jesus Christ and swim downwards until you reach a bottom, though I doubt you’ll find one.

Talls trees with shallow root systems are easily uprooted when the wind blows. They are too top heavy, and the soil just below the surface is to weak to sustain their stature. So even if you cut corners and get to the top of your profession ignobly, you will be easily dethroned by someone who has prepared for the position with their life. When pressure mounts, your roots will slip and you will tip over, and when a tree falls and everybody is around, it DEFINITELY makes a sound. Those individuals who are patient and diligent, who take the time to develop themselves before throwing themselves into the mix, who take the time to be planted, watered and germinate; will grow the tallest. Their foundations are laid deeply and the ridiculous growth and progress that they show is only a visual representation of the work they have put in.

Here we find a small lesson: There is no reason to be a hater. Period. You may not like a person, and that is fine, nobody says that you must like EVERYONE. But I encourage you to respect the accomplishments of any and every man and woman you meet because you have NO IDEA what kind of work they put in to get where they are. The ground is NOT made of glass. You cannot readily see the roots of the trees, nor can you readily see the heart and struggle of an individual to say that they have not worked hard enough, nor deserve, nor have earned any and all goodness that may come their way. It is impossible to grow LASTING stature and growth without a solid foundation; therefore, when you meet or become familiar with someone who seems to be consistently honest, dependable, responsible and trustworthy, understand an trust that they have prepared themselves for it their entire life.

Now I want to clarify three points before I bring this to a close.

1) In regards to growth in Christ. I do not want to endorse the notion that extending your roots deeply into a relationship with Him means attempting to tease out and master the most complicated and thus impractical and unnecessary Biblical principles in order to leave the masses awestruck and your prowess unchallenged. No one is benefitted from impractical and prideful knowledge seeking. In my eyes, it is mere sophism.

Instead, when I allude to a solid foundation in Christ, I endorse the practice of continually surrendering more and more of your daily life and tasks to His command and discretion. If you currently surrender Him your Sunday mornings, try surrendering “the tenth” as well. If you are currently handing Him “the tenth”, give Him your tongue. If He currently has possession of your tongue, give Him your mind. Surrender to Him until you have relinquished all concern, worry and control to Him. It is an issue of percentage. The percentage of yourself that you give over to Christ, up to 100%, will determine how much you will grow.

2) The Bible says that God reigns on the just and unjust alike. The earth is a series of processes. I liken it to a giant and extremely complex machine. It will perform the task it was designed to perform, regardless of who hits the “On” switch. I say that to say, if you choose to build your foundation in an ignoble practice, your potential for growth will be just as high as someone whose aims are pure. If you build a solid foundation of manipulation, substance abuse, dishonesty, unforgiveness, disrespect, distrust, mercilessness, pride, lust, debate, deceit, critique, etc. etc., you will become a giant in your craft. Most all philosphers believe that the universe is based on balance. The inexplicable tie between good and evil, man and woman, truth and lie, etc. So for every individual who has built a solid foundation on lasting principles, there will be one who has not. There are drug lords who make millions of dollars through underground markets, selling illegal substances to teens and the elderly. Phillip Morris created a stick approximately 4-6 inches long that is proven to shorten and/or end your life prematurely, but his family is perpetually wealthy and hundreds of thousands, if not millions of Americans, smoke cigarettes.

People will make mistakes. Not everyone is lucky enough to be born into a family with strong religious or moral convictions. Some people are born into families where food needs to be on the table “by any means necessary.” The world is not fair, but that doesn’t mean we should accept it as such. But when individuals take the time and effort to grow roots for a regressive cause, it becomes all the more difficult to uproot that tree in the instance that they desire to change. Sometimes even a hurricane cannot uproot certain trees.

3) Finally, it is never too late to start growing. There are chemicals that exist that can kill trees and other foliage at the root. If you want to start over, you can. Growth takes time and alot of effort, but anything worth having is worth working for. Even if you have grown quite a bit and are in fear of falling over, leaving your roots exposed and your life to wither; we all see trees with strings and 2x4s attached to help them stay balanced and grow strong. There are places you can find support. Find support in friends, family, church, a community center, a support group, accountability partner; anybody or anything that is dedicated unselfishly to your foundation. It is never too late.

.:Never strive to grow tall, only strive to grow deep. Your height DEPENDS on your depth, not the other way around:.

{Selah}