How, I ask, have I managed in a mere 3 years to become the antithesis of everything I used to be. I lost my integrity, my selflessness, my ambition, my drive, my Love, my Hope, seeking good things, my health….everything. The only woman I’ve ever known beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have Loved, I’ve hurt time and time again because of my bullshit. Because I couldn’t manage to suck up my feelings, stop pitying myself and make the right decisions when it mattered most. Instead, I spiraled out of control and made my predicament even more complicated because of my fear of being alone, a lack of trust in God to protect and aid me. How did things get so bad…so fast? How do I even begin to make them right again? Jesus. That’s all I know to turn to. With all of my intellectual “prowess” and education…I’ve been driven from Him. Even typing it feels a little strange considering everything I’ve learned, but I don’t know where else to turn, what else I can trust right now. I cannot do this alone, that much is true because that much I’ve been trying and failing at for as long as I can remember (which isn’t much). My vision is clouded, my path uncertain…I’m not sure where to go from here, but I can’t be concerned about getting the outcome that I want. I just need to get healthy.
